the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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