Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
