Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
