If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
