Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
