And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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