I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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