Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
