i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
