ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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