I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
