Don't you send me to vm
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
