so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
