we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
