if i can run in heels then i can drive
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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