i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
