The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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