my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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