Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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