u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
