Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
