I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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