whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
