I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
