I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
