I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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