i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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