nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
