She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
