Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
