dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
