Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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