Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
