so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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