Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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