WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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