I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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