Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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