New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
