A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
