mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
