hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Me too!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
