If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
