I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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