I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
