I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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