i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
