I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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