just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
