I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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