Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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